He deserved better. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. I couldn't take it anymore. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared shes going to die if you let me go to my due date. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. As long as I get to see it through them. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. You were mine. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. I dont remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. Best news ever. Good friends. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. I cant imagine what writing about your death will be like for me. I am angry and sad in a way that I havent been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I came home from the Hamptons, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old mans forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. P.S. Watch out childhood cancer! Ro baby. I finally got your daddy on the phone. I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something.. but I just chopped it up to being tired. Fucking cancer. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. It makes me feel happy. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. What do you mean, no more pictures of Baby Ro? You have a baby on the way. I was only there, for you. We talked about New York for a bit. You know that better than anyone. I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. I saw my OBGYN as well. Rawness. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. on Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. He always knows that. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! Alright little man. O.k. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I think you would have liked the name. Stress. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. Holy smokes I was blown away! But I just promised him I would try instead. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. Thats how its been this past week. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Holla! Beauty. THANK YOU. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right? I told her I wasnt aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. Gay. How can words comfort that? I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. Dr. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. A water for me. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I dont know whats going on. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. Your daddy keeps telling me that Im wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. Simple words that go such a long way. Your picture is enough. Their happy, is too loud. I know what that feels like. I am excited too. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. Ronan. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. I miss you. I told you that. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. What is today? The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I would give my life for those problems. Not because I dont love it. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. Is this normal? This weekend is a busy one. I had a nice thing happen to me today. I dont even want fucking justice. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. You know what comes next though. Why are you laughing. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. When do you leave for New York? I am a good mother. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. I told them it was o.k. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Darling. Not crying. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. I told them I would look into it once we returned home from our trip. Ronan. Becca. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. Its amazing the way she seemsto beworking her little magic on all of us. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I got a text from your Sparkly. Sooooooo New York!!! It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. Homemade whipped cream. I think Lacrosse is a good start. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. I remember telling her about you. Its Humanity. Guess what? Your brothers happiness is proof of that. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. They fill me with things like a fire and a drive that I never knew I had. Your Sparkly. He didnt answer. Nothing will. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I very rarely know happiness of my own. I was like a wild animal out of control. I am not doing anything else. Ryan Starr was born Tiffany Montgomery in the Sunland neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, a place where she once described as a "middle of nowhere town, up in the hills - like, horse country." Her elementary, middle, and high schools were all about "a block from one another" in her words, and growing up, Starr considered herself to be "a small-town tomboy". Im sitting in the parking lot. I know we are and will change this world in a very big way but FUCK. Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. Melissa. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. I WILL DO ANYTHING. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. It was quiet. But I am not doing this the nice way. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, Ronan, Ronan, Ronan, over and over again. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Lights out for the next 7 hours. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. An ear infection, counting my blessings! http://emotionalmojo.comMy first real interview is Monday. Youre doing too much.. We could use your little one to put on the mannequin. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. I sat and watched it. Ronan. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. Yes, it was barbaric. Fuck. I went today. And no. A dozen times. Back when you were healthy and here. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. I told her I wasnt going to. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. They both asked if I was sure. They offered to buy a new one. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. I know he will keep her safe. I am as always, wiped out. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. I miss you. Ive had your brother home sick 3 days this week. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. How much you hated them. We shall see if I succeed this year. I love you. Your day of death. Either way, I dont see myself leaving it anytime soon. Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses? I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. I am a natural born mother. Just the usual? he asked. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. I miss my workouts. I dont fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. You should not be sitting there. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldnt be so sad because I would be holding your baby sistersafe and soundin my arms. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. Bring on the pies now. Most of the time alone. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. Then perfect toddler Ronan. Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. As in really hard. I hope you are safe. It scares the shit out of me and I know what its like to lose you to cancer. I will never understand so I will spend the rest of my life, trying to fix this. I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. I dont think I moved for the next 24 hours. My phone rang. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. Turns out, they are not. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. I think you would have loved that name. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. Back to the book. I told your brothers. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. We met up with some friends. He was so tiny and frail. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. We dont have many plans for the weekend. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. There happiness is how I judge good days now. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Do not let anything take him away. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. I told him I wasnt going to let it be that way and he said something like, Well, youd better start figuring out how to control that. Ive slowly been doing that. He was mine, how can that be? I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I had Quinn call your Nana. No need for bullshit or pretending. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. She asked me if I would like to know. I hope you are safe. We talked about some other things. He laughed at that. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. Fernanda. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here. I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. THANK YOU. Handing her your Rocard. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. I love you. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. Our Fairy RoMo. Yes. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldnt tell him. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. Those moments mean so much to me. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. You with a baby girl. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. You werent naughty. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. I have a lot of dreams. I think Im having a mid-life crisis. Why the fuck did this happen? I talked to George Clooney last night and Im going to run off with him. (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him? I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. I felt myself panic. Compassion. She helped me get through the day. To cry. Let the strategizing, begin. Sweet dreams, baby doll. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He sat down. Ronan really wanted a girl. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. THANK YOU. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. Your day of death. I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. Today, while I sat in the room full of absolute brilliance everywhere, I noticed there were 2 things missing. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. Come to my office. I met him there. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. I sacrifice myself, for them. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. I have some serious business to attend to! Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro. I managed to say. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. I swear I feel her moving, kicking, punching, twirling around all day long and most of the night as well. I believe in you, Ronan and you are more than any GOD could ever be. Its not funny. I cannot even get a flu shot without thinking of you. I would give both of my arms for those problems. We very much needed a pow wow session. thru it all he still puts a smile on his face and the courage i see within him is just beyond amazing! She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. And maybe a little less sad. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance.

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